Test of Tears

Today was the first time I ever cried during a test.

I couldn't even calm myself down. I took deep breaths and managed to hold back the tears (a bit) but that lump--you know the lump I'm talking about--did not leave my throat. It was so swelled up that I couldn't breathe. It didn't help that earlier, when I asked my prof for the value of a constant I needed in order to solve the problem a different way, he refused to give it to me, and kept telling me to "find a different way." Yes, erase all that work and "find a different way," oh, and by and by, the test is over soon, and there's other problems of the same magnitude that you have to tackle.

Joy.

So that, all the studying, realizing that you really can't study enough for physics (because you get thrown curve balls when you think you've got the pitcher alll figured out), then that final frustration all just exploded within me, and for the very first time, in a science class, no less, I was boiling hot, shaking, hyperventilating, and crying angry tears.

I didn't answer the last question. I just wiped my face, handed in my paper, and hoped that everyone else was too involved in their own tests to see my red, puffy eyes. I was so glad they were concealed behind my glasses (emo moment!).

God was with us and with me. If it wasn't for Him, I might not have made it to the bathroom without letting the tears go. In the Our Father and the Hail Mary, I was praying for strength, guidance, and peace. Before I could coherently pray, I know that the Holy Spirit was praying within me, and that my name was on the lips of the saints.

If it wasn't for God's grace, I would despair in the fact that it's more likely that this will get worse for this little undergraduate before it gets better, if it gets better. I'll definitely be praying a lot more further on in my academic career--even more later, when I get a real job, and when I have to raise a family. You know, when very well-being of other people will depend on me.

Jesus does not leave us orphans. Come, O Comforter!

Oh, and I've been reading St. Ambrose at www.ccel.org (gotta love Calvin College). Good stuff.

Praying for the Lenten Season.

O Lord and Master of my life,
Grant not unto me a spirit of idleness,
of discouragement,
of lust for power,
and of vain speaking.

But bestow upon me, Thy servant,
the spirit of chastity,
of meekness,
of patience,
and of love.

Yea, O Lord and King,
grant that I may perceive
my own transgressions,
and judge not my brother,
for blessed art Thou
unto ages of ages.
Amen.

~Prayer of St. Ephraim.

The Prayer of St. Basil

O God and Lord of the Powers, and Maker of all creation, Who, because of Thy clemency and incomparable mercy, didst send Thine Only-Begotten Son and our Lord Jesus Christ for the salvation of mankind, and with His venerable Cross didst tear asunder the record of our sins, and thereby didst conquer the rulers and powers of darkness;

Receive from us sinful people, O merciful Master, these prayers of gratitude and supplication, and deliver us from every destructive and gloomy transgression, and from all visible and invisible enemies who seek to injure us.

Nail down our flesh with fear of Thee, and let not our hearts be inclined to words or thoughts of evil, but pierce our souls with Thy love, that ever contemplating Thee, being enlightened by Thee, and discerning Thee, the unapproachable and everlasting Light, we may unceasingly render confession and gratitude to Thee: The eternal Father, with Thine Only-Begotten Son, and with Thine All-Holy, Gracious, and Life-Giving Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages.

Amen.